PHP script

There is a table in Excel.
Need:

1) to Translate it to MySQL
2) Make a creaking sound with the following functions:
a) the Person enters his email and date of birth
b) A second table, on it (depending on year of birth and number of birth month) is selected from 1 to 12.
in) Return 1 column from table 1 and the column with the preferred option from the point b.
At first only appears randomly 5 records from the first 15.
d) the Man offers to pay for the service (3 options pictures – three buttons, payment via liqpay). After paying the man gets all mail at his table in PDF, as well as a link to the online table.
We have to mail to get his email and which of the three payment options he received.
d) subsequently, in a localStorage variable you need to include a link to his calculation, and when entering the website – just show the link.

The design should use standard elements from the standard jQuery Mobile themes.